The Diagnosis
Date: 11/5/11
Location: Piedmont Hospital
I am a young, vibrant and compulsively ambitious woman. I have things to do, people to see and places to go. I cannot have a chronic, lifelong disease. I don’t have time for that, so I thought. But, I guess God had different thoughts because on Saturday, November 5, 2011, he allowed that rude doctor, who had no bedside manners at all, to come into my hospital room and say to me, “It’s multiple sclerosis. You have MS.”
I’m 26, I have a disease and I am going to die before I write my best-seller, before I do this and before I do that. This was my immediate thought as I laid in the hospital bed alone. I didn’t cry. I didn’t immediately call anyone. I didn’t google MS on my iPhone. I just sat there and thought that my life was over. After sitting for a few minutes, I called home to my mother and grandmother to tell them what I had just found out.
Now keep in mind that all of this didn’t just happen out of the blue. I had been sick since June 2011, however the doctors just couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me until that day.
Excerpt from my journal… (early July 2011 — 1 month after I got sick and 5 months before the diagnosis)
It’s 12:02 a.m. I’m laying in the bed in the dark, barely able to hold my iPhone as I type these words. The tears are flowing heavy as I lay and think about how my life has begun to unfold over the last month. On Wednesday, June 8, 2011, after leaving work a little early, I grabbed a bite to eat from Chipotle and rushed over to Seraphim Skin Care, a spa in Buckhead, for my 4pm facial appointment (which, by the way, was AMAZING). After my facial, I headed over to Straits, a midtown Atlanta restaurant owned by rapper, actor and philanthropist Chris “Ludacris” Bridges. I had a 6:30 p.m. interview at Straits with Ms. Roberta Shields, Luda’s mom and the president of The Ludacris Foundation (TLF), for a story that I was writing for Loop21.com. Ms. Roberta, who I would soon call my guardian angel, shared with me how they started the foundation, details about their 10 year anniversary, which was quickly approaching, and how extremely proud she was of her son and the success of his foundation.
The interview went well. So much so that afterward, Ms. Roberta and I shared some Kung Pao Chicken aka lollipop chicken–one of my fave items on the menu– and talked about everything from her raising Luda to her time living in DC and getting her master’s degree from Johns Hopkins University in my hometown city (hey Baltimore!). We even chatted about my recent interest in becoming a first-time homeowner. She shared with me that her and Chris have had the same Realtor since he bought his first piece of property in College Park, GA, and asked me if I was interested in using their Realtor. While talking about homes, she escorted me to her car where she had in her trunk new bamboo wood flooring that she had just purchased for one of Chris’ properties. After leaving her car, which was parked in the back of the restaurant, we walked along the side of the building back to the front. Walking back to the front, Ms. Roberta invited me back in to have a drink with her. I declined, and told her that I wanted to get back home to do some writing. We talked a bit more in the front of the restaurant, however we were interrupted by some very unhappy patrons. While she talked with them and tried to see if there was something that she could do to make their experience better, I made a phone call. I called my friend, who was driving into the city to see me, to tell him that I was done the interview. But, before I could finish my initial sentence, I felt dizzy and immediately knew that I would not be heading home. I remember saying to him, “I feel sick. I’m going to pass out. I need to go to the hospital.”
He asked me a question, but before I could answer, I dropped the phone and screamed out Ms. Roberta’s name. I felt so weak and sick. I was getting ready to pass out. I felt it. I knew it. It happened so fast, but as I fell to the ground, one of the security guys outside of Straits caught me just before my body hit the pavement.
After being rushed to the hospital in the ambulance, I spent the next five days at Emory Midtown Hospital. The day after they admitted me, I lost the use of my hands — couldn’t feed myself, clean myself, hold a phone, hold a penny—nothing!
I will never EVER forget Luda’s mommy and I will be forever grateful to her. When I passed out, she called my mother and grandmother, who were both in Baltimore, to keep them up-to-date with what was going on with me. Knowing that I was there by myself, she hopped in the ambulance and rode over to the hospital with me and stayed the entire night. I had never met this woman before that day. Roberta Shields was heaven sent.
***
Little did I know—even while in the hospital over those next few days—my life would never be the same again.
I was extremely sick over the next few months after being discharged from the hospital. I couldn’t drive, cook or go to work. I couldn’t do much of anything because 75 percent of the time, I could not use my hands. I was back and forth in the doctors office, seeing specialists, getting tests done, having surgery (spinal taps) and trying to figure it all out. My mom flew down and stayed for a few weeks until she had to go back to work. At that point, my grandmother flew down. That trip turned into a three month stay for my grandmother. She gave up her entire summer to be in Atlanta with me and to take care of me during the time when my mom had to work. I can’t even find the words to say how much that meant to me. My entire family (my mommy, grandmother, sisters, uncles and aunts) sacrificed so much for me this past summer.
Back and forth to the doctors, we waited for answers. After MRIs and spinal tap surgery revealed that there was a lot of inflammation on my spine, my neurologist put me on some very strong steroids. After a while, other than the weight gain, things seemed to be getting a little better.
In mid-September, after I closed on my house, I was able to go back to work. I know ya’ll didn’t think getting sick would stop me from finishing what I started. (Weird enough— I was pre-approved for my loan on the morning of Wednesday, June 8, 2011, which is the same day that I passed out at Straits). I hadn’t looked at one piece of property at that point. So many people wondered how I even made it through this process in the midst of everything that was going on. It was definitely difficult, but with the help of my mom and grandmother, it worked out (thank God ‘cuz I love my new home).
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On November 3, 2011, after being back at work for a month and a half, I walked into work feeling dizzy. I thought I could make it through the day, but it seemed to get worse by the minute. Everyone at work kept telling me to just go home and lay down. But, going home to lay down didn’t seem like a good idea. I hate going to hospitals, so if I ever go, I’m sick—the real kind. I remember telling a co-worker that if I laid down, I felt like I wouldn’t get back up—ever. So, I called my neurologists and explained to him what was going on. He told me to go straight to the hospital.
***
Once I arrived to Piedmont Hospital, I thought that I would be okay and that I was in good hands, but after running a few tests, they really tried to send me home. They kept telling me that I was healthy and all the results were good. I know my body and I knew that something was wrong. I didn’t care what the results said. I wasn’t going anywhere until I got some answers. A healthy 26 year old can make it an entire day without feeling dizzy; drive without having to pull over because her hands and legs will not perform it’s normal functions; see without impaired vision; and work an entire day without feeling like it’s her last day on earth. Those people were crazy if they thought I was going home felling like death warmed over. I refused to leave, and thank God I did.
Two days later, on Saturday, November 5, 2011, is when I found out that I had MS.
***
I guess I can admit it now, but for almost an entire week after my diagnosis, I didn’t know much about MS. I didn’t want to. I did not want to read anything about the disease or talk to anyone else who had it. I guess I wanted to act like the diagnosis never happened.
Let’s fast forward to Thursday, November 10, 2011 at 11:27 p.m. when I finally accepted that this was my life. While laying in the bed, I started to do some research on MS and I came across these words: “Accept, Take Control & Move On!”
According to the “10 Rules of MS Care,” this was number 7, and if I was going to live a healthy productive life, I had to follow the rules, right?
I wasn’t ready to do any of this just five days after being diagnosed with MS. But, would I ever be ready? Not really. I instantly realized that of the 10 rules of MS Care, this was the most important—“Accept, Take Control & Move On!” Who is ever ready to be diagnosed with anything? No one. But, until I accepted it, I would not be able to take control of my situation and move on.
Mentally — I am better today than I was two months ago. Every single day is a challenge, especially the three days of the week that I have to give myself injections—yes, needles! (my nurse keeps telling me that I’ll get used to it and it’ll become as secondary as brushing my teeth…I don’t know about that).
Physically— I have my good days and I have my bad days. Today, ehhh, not so good.
Emotionally— Emotional roller-coaster. But I’m a woman, so for me, that’s normal with or without a disease.
All in all, I can’t complain. No, I’m not going to say that things could be worse (which by the way, I kinda hate when people tell me, “it could be worse”). I have MS. It’s not easy and I don’t like it. Sometimes, I’m really sick and in pain, and find myself questioning God. And then, there are other times where I am thankful for what I have went through these past eight months because it’s made me stronger and taught me some great things about myself and the people around me. This may sound crazy, but if I never got sick, I wouldn’t have discovered one great gift/talent that I have. I’ll share more about this new talent before the end of the week is out and hopefully you guys can support my new found creative talent.
To all of you who already knew about my illness and have kept me in your thoughts and prayers, thank you! Your kind words, emails, letters, cards, phone calls, facebook and twitter messages have meant the world to me. To my friends and family who have been with me every step of the way—thank you and I love you dearly.
p.s. I’m not making any promises on how often, but I’m back to blogging again. 🙂 thanks for the support!
~ jowriter
Tags: #family, #friends, #Health, diagnosis, life, Ludacris, Ludacris' mom, MS, multiple sclerosis
